UNTOLD TRAUMAS | Are these lesser-known childhood traumas limiting your life today?
Being raised by good parents and having what we consider to be a normal childhood, doesn’t always mean that we avoided the lesser-known early-life traumas that can be negatively impacting us, from the shadows, for decades. Read on to find out if any of these childhood traumas happened to you, including Proximal Abandonment, Thwarted Autonomy and Parentification.
Trauma is a topic that some may find daunting; with even the mere mention of the word being potentially ‘triggering’. This is largely due to the general lack of education on the subject, and the belief that it’s hard to heal. As with all mental health issues, there exists a spectrum – from ‘complex’ and obvious, to more common and subtle forms. Here I’m highlighting the less complex early-life traumas that can often be over-looked and yet, can be detrimentally impacting our present-day health, happiness and progress.
100% Trauma Free?
I’ve met many well-intentioned wonderful people, wanting to heal and live positively. However, despite often having a library full of self-help books or attending countless courses, their health conditions, emotional issues, and persistent life problems continue.
After eighteen years of research and clinical work, I’ve observed that one of the biggest blocks to a better life is childhood trauma. Until recognised and released, change is often limited, healing is hindered, and our problematic patterns tend to remain in place.
I am yet to meet anyone who has ‘successfully’ navigated their life 100% trauma-free; with childhood trauma being far more prevalent than I originally thought. I used to think trauma was limited to the classical kinds of big traumatic events, like physical attacks or accidents. However, I’ve since discovered that the most common childhood traumas are largely unknown, unrecognised, undiagnosed, and consequently, untreated.
Many early-life traumas have been performed without malice. They are just the inevitable consequence of parents unwilfully playing out, and passing on, their own traumatised parts and patterns. By shining a light on such traumas, we can quickly learn if any of them have happened to us, and use this illuminating knowledge to find our own freedom through forgiveness.
What is Trauma?
Trauma is the physiological and psychological response to distressing events that overwhelm our Autonomic Nervous System; often due to feeling helpless or unsafe. Trauma essentially chips away at our inner sense of safety and ability to trust ourself, others and the world. Over time, as trauma compounds, we end up experiencing life as increasingly stressful, scary and shame-inducing, isolating and limited.
Common diagnoses such as anxiety, panic, depression, burnout, ADHD and PTSD, can all be linked back to trauma held within the brain and body. Trauma can also cause health conditions, self-worth issues, relationship and financial problems, and suffering involving grief and loss. Therefore, to heal or change, it is vital to ensure that we release any trauma stored within the Autonomic Nervous System (A.N.S.).
“Most people I meet have a compromised A.N.S. and by uncovering and releasing their past traumas, many of their problematic issues automatically heal and improve - naturally.”
The A.N.S. controls all of our vital functions. It works behind the scenes to keeps us alive and determines how we respond to life. The A.N.S. consists of two main parts: the parasympathetic, associated with relaxation and digestion, and the sympathetic, responsible for the fight-flight-freeze-flood responses.
Trauma tends to have two components: 1) Dysregulation of the A.N.S. and 2) Storage of the trauma memory in the area of the brain called Procedural Memory. Once a trauma is ‘installed’ in this part of the brain, we end up reacting every time we are triggered. Consequently, trauma narrows our choices, negatively impacts wellness, and reduces our ability to interact with life in a calm and productive way.
3 Untold Traumas
Here’s three of the lesser-known childhood traumas. Can you relate to any of them?
1) Proximal Abandonment occurs when the parents are physically present, providing food, shelter etc. but are unable to emotionally connect, support and bond with the child. Most people overlook this very common trauma because their parents didn’t officially ‘abandon’ them. Yet, as far as the child is concerned, it is experienced as abandonment.
From birth to around age two, the child’s primary need is bonding. If our parents, for whatever reason, cannot bond with us in the ways that we need, it can impact the rest of our relationships, along with our on-going sense of self-worth, safety, and our ability to trust.
2) Thwarted Autonomy usually occurs when we are learning to crawl, walk and talk, and thus, when we are beginning to establish our boundaries and starting to explore the world. The dictionary definition of thwarted is to “prevent (someone) from accomplishing something”. If a parent is over-protective, overly-critical or often punishes us during the development of our autonomy, we can quickly learn that the world is a dangerous place - promoting chronic fear - and develop what’s called ‘toxic shame’.
By repeatedly being told that we are doing something ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’, the child tends to conclude that ‘I’m wrong’ or ‘I’m bad, for example. The chronic fear and shame that comes from Thwarted Autonomy can cause us to limit our life – due to a heightened need to ‘stay safe’ – and also be a hidden cause of self-sabotage; due to us believing we are bad, never good enough, and even deserving of punishment.
3) Parentification occurs when the child becomes the parent by taking on their roles and responsibility. There are two main types of parentification. ‘Instrumental’ happens when the child takes on the tasks of the parents – such as being responsible for taking care of siblings, cooking, cleaning or even looking after the parent. ‘Emotional’ parentification happen if the child is burdened by the parents problems and put in the position of needing to be the counsellor or confidant to the parent.
Parentification can be an anxious and overwhelming experience for the child; essentially robbing their childhood and removing their access to any healthy parental role models. Common signs that this may have happened to you would be struggling to trust people, neglecting your own needs, resisting adulthood, struggling to say no, unexplained grief, often feeling guilty, or dysfunctional relationships.
“There are no bad people, only badly traumatised people.”
Other forms of childhood traumas include being raised by a narcissistic parent, all forms of mental, emotional or physical abuse, or being chronically sick as a child. If you can relate to any of these early-life traumas, you are not alone. With so many people secretly impacted by untold early-life traumas, it is too common to be embarrassed about. Rather, researching and releasing your traumas can be very life-affirming; increasing resilience, confidence, empathy, and compassion within yourself and towards others.
Knowledge is power and my intention for providing this whistle-stop tour of the lesser-known childhood traumas is to empower real healing and transformation within you. Our goal here isn’t to appoint blame or feel wronged. But rather to embark on what can be an illuminating journey of personal enquiry, discovery, release, and ultimate recovery.
About the Author
Sandy C. Newbigging is a therapist, meditation teacher, author and award-winning tutor. For eighteen years, his research, clinical work and academy courses have been dedicated to uncovering and curing the unconscious causes of physical, emotional and life issues.
Sandy specialises in releasing past traumas, understanding and harnessing the mind-body connection, improving mindset, and gaining an optimal relationship with life. He uses a combination of his personally-developed Mind Detox methods and also Q.E.C. To work with him, check out his Sessions, Mind Detox Club and Academy. Sandy recently won the FHT ‘Tutor of the Year’ award!
